Howdy Cow Pokes!
Sorry I haven't come a callin' much lately. I've been real focused on staying still and hoping those worms in my heart realize they've overstayed their welcome and it's time to hit the road. I've been trying really hard, just lying in my bunk all day, enduring going out with Ms. Lynn under that embarrassing parasol to use the outhouse and cuddling up to sleep with The Yankee (he snores).
Well, I guess those worms got mighty bored and decided they weren't leavin' without having a wild party first. I heard Ms. Lynn talking on the phone box to the Doc and she said I was showing signs of complications. Now, I just got started on my schoolin' a short while ago and I'm still working on my 'rithmetic. I've been doing pretty good with my addin' and subtractin' but I didn't think I was going to have to start on my complications yet. I sure don't want to do that 'cause long division is next and Mac down at the Tack Store says that long division is hard!
Anyway, I guess when word got out about the Hoe Down those worms were having, they all tried to get to the party at once and they all got stuck in the hallway going to my heart. That was no fun for me at all. I got really tired and I couldn't breathe very well. Ms. Lynn knew I was in a bad way when I wouldn't eat my vittles or even wag my tail when she came a'callin'. She and The Yankee loaded me into the stagecoach and got me to Doc's place pronto!
That Lady Doc rushed me back to the saloon as soon as we got there. She didn't give me no shots of sarsaparilla but gave me some penny candy to help with my breathin' and some more to fight Infect's son. I don't know what the son of Infect has against me, but I'm glad the Doc gave me sumthin' to keep him away 'cause he don't sound like a nice fella.
One of dem purty saloon girls then took me to a bunk and she stayed with me and gently stroked my head saying that I needed to keep still until those penny candies could carry a message to those worms that the party was over and it was time to skedaddle! She was mighty nice and she smelled good so I didn't might sittin' a spell with her.
Soon, I heard the barkeep hollering "last call" and I knew the saloon must be closing. That purty saloon girl then took me out to the foyer where Ms. Lynn and The Yankee was waiting. She gave Ms. Lynn a bunch of papers and told her that Dr. Baker was waiting for me over at the doggie ER. Now, I didn't know what ER stood for. I figured it must stand for Evil 'Rithmetic and they was gonna make me go there and do more complications and long division. But then I got to thinkin' that if there was a Doc over there that was also a Baker then maybe they'd have some warm scones waiting for me and I'd better go check that place out.
Boy, was I disappointed. We got to the doggie ER and I didn't smell nothin' cooking. No scones, no biscuits, not even a hot pot of chicory. Doc Baker came and got me and took me back to another bunk room and put a funny thing on my face. She said she was measuring my breathin'. Now I've heard about those there breath-a-liars that the Sheriff uses, and I tried to tell her that I hadn't been drinkin' no sarsaparilla and besides, I have a licker license, but she wasn't listening. I heard her go tell Ms. Lynn that I wasn't doing too bad but that I needed more Oxen Gin.
Now, I was just mighty confused. Why does the Sheriff use a breath-a-liar to tell if the cowhands have been drinkin' too much and here this Doc Baker, who don't bake nothin', want to go and give me some Oxen Gin? I thought maybe she'd been dippin' in that Oxen Gin a little too much herself!
She tells Ms. Lynn that I got to stay with them overnight so they can keep an eye on me and give me some Oxen Gin when I need it and that they might have to hook me up with Ivy. Geez, I don't know what kind of place this was. They want to get me drunk on Oxen Gin and then have me court some girl named Ivy who I ain't never laid eyes on. My daddy always told me it wasn't proper to court a gal when you've been drinkin' so I figures this Ivy girl must be mighty homely and that is the only way she can get a beau!
Well, at this point, I'd had enough. I thought maybe it was safest to play possum. I just closed my eyes and laid real still like. Doc Baker came and checked the funny thing on my face a lot and I heard a few more gals come in the bunkroom from time to time but I kept my eyes closed 'cause I was scared one of them might be Ivy. I wasn't sure my heart full of worms could take the shock of a gal that homely.
I must have made the right call, 'cause I woke up this morning and I hadn't had to meet Ivy nor drink any of that Oxen Gin. That Doc Baker still hadn't baked nothin' (I think that's because she drinks) but she called Ms. Lynn and told her that I could go home to Pibble Creek. I shore was happy when Ms. Lynn and The Yankee showed up to carry me home. They talked to the Doc and she told them what kind of complications to watch out for that might merit hauling me back to that crazy place. I told them I was dun with complications and long division for awhile and to get me outta there.
So, now I'm back home again and just hangin' in my bunk. Frankly, I think that my bunk is the safest place for me with all these crazy folks running around talking about drinking Oxen Gin and Worm Parties and Homely Girls and such. I'll keep y'all updated and hope that you'll come bust me out if things get any weirder. I'm gonna sign off now so I can send a text to my new cat pal from the ER named Fan Belt. He's only got one ear, but he sure can text fast!