Howdy Y'all! Well, I just thought I'd mosey in here and introduce myself. Up until yesterday, I was sitting in a doggie jail in a very small town in North Cackalacki. I'd got busted for loitering on the streets. The sheriff and his deputy were pretty nice fellas and had told me I could stay awhile until the right person came along and sprung me from the joint. However, They didn't plan on a bunch of doggie rustlers being apprehended and filling up the jail. They picked up 23 of those varmits in one afternoon and several more the next day. The jail only has 6 cells and they found they had about 50 fugitives on their hands. Many of these fugitives were juvenile delinquents or midgets, as they were mighty small. I overhead the sheriff and deputy talking about a lady that put mini gangsters like this on a stagecoach and sends 'em up north where they get rehabilitated and sent to some kind of "homes". They were trying to decide what to do with the rest of us and I heard them say that I might have to be put down. Now, I don't know why they looked so sad because if the others were going up north, I just figured I was going down south and I'm not sure what all the hooplah and crying was about because I like it in the south. Needless to say, Sheriff Ted decided that I was too sweet to go down and he schemed up a plan to contact some lady named Ms. Lynn that runs a boarding house over yonder. I heard them say that Ms. Lynn's boarding house was full but they said they'd send her on a guilt trip (maybe to the north) and if needed, give her something called chocolate so she'd give me a room. Must be some pretty fancy stuff, that chocolate, 'cause I know that no one has never given me any.
Well, it must have worked because yesterday they took me over to Doc's place and I got some shots and a lot of medicine. I guess Ms. Lynn's place must be really packed because they wouldn't let all my fleas and ticks come alone with me and made me leave them behind. The doc put me in another cell and soon after Ms. Lynn and a man showed up and came in and talked to me. Now that Ms. Lynn is one purty lady. Well, I think she is. I didn't really look at her face but she had a picture on her shirt that looked just like one of my cousins, so I liked her right away and immediately attached myself to her leg. The man was really nice too, but he talks funny. One of the other doggies told me that he heard talk like that before and that the man must be from Yankeeville.I asked where that was and he said it was up north. I sure hope all those juvenile delinquents will learn to bark Yankee when they get there.
Ms. Lynn and The Yankee was really friendly to me but when it was just us around, they kept talking about how dirty I was and how I needed my Saturday night bath right away! I heard them talking to Doc and he said that I was a big hearted fella and it was a good thing because I guess there are some worms in my heart taking up the extra space. Ms. Lynn said that she's take me to a doc near the boarding house to get that taken care of. That's ok with me because I don't really like worms. I guess my time in the joint took a toll on me, as my ribs are showing but Ms. Lynn said she's get me some good vittles from a nice Ranch called Flint River to fatten me right up.
All the dogs that were headed up north were at the doc's place too so it was louder than the saloon on Saturday night. I tried to count them dirty convicts but used all my claws and ran out before I was done. The lady running that stagecoach told Ms. Lynn they were taking about 30 of those ruffians to places called Virginy, Con-Ed Cut, New Ham Shire and Mass Achoo Sets. Not sure why anyone would want to live around sneezing hams but she seemed excited about it. I hope they can find a nice Yankee like the one who came for me to get them all back on the straight and narrow. That lady then gave Ms. Lynn a big hug and was crying too. She said she was so happy that Ms. Lynn and the Yankee were saving me. Not sure what I needed saving from but I guess I'm glad they did it.
After we got on Ms. Lynn's stagecoach, I could barely keep my eyes open and immediately took a nap. Not sure how long I was out but we was still driving when I woke up so I took advantage of the fact that the Yankee was steering the horses and cuddled up with Ms. Lynn in the back. She kept picking dead fleas off of me and throwing them out the window. I felt so much better with all those varmits off of me that I kept sneaking her kisses whenever I could.
After we got to the boarding house, Ms. Lynn walked me around the ranch for awhile and from far away I saw three other dogs in a big corral. They barked out a howdy to me and wanted to know who I was but I kept quiet. Not sure who they are and whether they are hooligans, but they can't be too bad because I saw the nice Yankee out there playing some foolishness with them. I think they might be bank robbers though because Ms. Lynn said it would be several weeks before I could meet them as they might try to take any Da Zees I have. Not sure if I got any Da Zees but I'm going to be sure and leave them with the Doc for safe keeping if I do so those dogs can't get to them.
The Yankee and Ms. Lynn then gave me a long bath. They both were just a scrubbing and scrubbing but it felt so good, I didn't complain. They found some stowaway ticks in my ears and had to pull those out. One of those buggers was in there deep and I let out a little "ouch" when they grabbed him but the rest of the time, I could't stop smiling. It was getting dark by this time so Ms. Lynn said it was time to get me a room. She asked what my name was but I told her I ain't got no name. The deputy at the jail kept calling me Rob, but that's because he kept confusing me with the drunk in the next cell who tried to hold up the blacksmith with a slingshot. The blacksmith nailed him with a horseshoe and carried him over to the jail.
Ms. Lynn and the Yankee decided I need a strong name that reflected my courage and also my big heart (you know the one with the worms in it). They told me that I would be called Kane Agape. Sounded kind of funny to me but I guess this is something called a Hay-why-an type ranch and their cowboys are called paniolos and I needs me a Hay-why-an name. They tried to explain the name to me but all I got was something about a god of creation and total love and I guess my new name loosely means starting a new life with unconditional love. Hmmm, that sounds purty good so I guess I'll keep it.
The Yankee and Ms. Lynn then told me to come into the boarding house but I was a little uneasy about that. They had to lure me in with some tasty vittles. I walked around a bit and didn't see no other critters but I could tell by the smells that those three De Zees thieves had been in there and I also smelled the scent of those things I'd met at the jail called Cats. You'd better watch out for them Cats, as they can be pretty sneaky. I didn't see any, but I know they're hiding around here someplace.
They showed me to a big room that had a bed and a washboard and some kind of small box they called a crate. Ms. Lynn told the Yankee to hang out with me for a bit and that she was going to go take care of the other inmates and she'd be back for some crate training, whatever that is. The Yankee picked me up and put me on the big bed with him and turned on a box that had little people in it. I curled up in the crook of his arm and promptly fell asleep.
I faintly remember Ms. Lynn coming back in the room and telling that Yankee that he was in big trouble. I kept my eyes closed and played dumb. She told him that she was mighty tired and was going to have a big slumber party out in the parlor with those Da Zees Thiefs and wiley Cats. I was a little worried about her being out there alone with all those troublemakers but she seems like a pretty tough cookie and I'm sure she can keep them in line. She gave him some papers that looked like a long list of rules to me and told him that if I woke up causing a ruckus that he would just have to follow the rules from Michele G. and give me my crate training. Now, I don't know who Michele G. is, but I think she must be the Queen of all the boarding houses 'cause Ms. Lynn looked pretty serious about it. I played it safe, kept my eyes closed and went back to sleep. I didn't wake up until Ms. Lynn came and got me this morning.
I'm not sure what I got myself into or what's in store for me. I heard Ms. Lynn and the Yankee were talking and they said that I'm going to stay at the boarding house while the doc gets rid of the worms in my heart and I get some training on my new job of ambassador. Wow, I didn't know I was going to get to work as an ambassador. I would have settled for Justice of the Peace or maybe Mayor or something. They said if I get along with those The Da Zees Thieves and those dastardly Cats, then maybe I can stay on here at the ranch for the rest of my life.
So folks, I'm sorry this is such a long introduction but I sure had a lot to tell you about and I hope that y'all will help Ms. Lynn make me into a real fine ranch hand so that I can live here a Pibble Creek with The Da Zees Thieves, The Cats and that real nice Yankee! I'm attaching my mug shot from the jail so that y'all can see what a pretty Paniolo I am!